Amazing Reads: The Amazing Spider-Man #692

Let us friends travel in time, from 1963, to late 2012. Spider-Man has grown in these many years. He starts acting responsible. (Sometimes). He stops hitting on three women at once. (Sometimes) And he has a real job. (Sometimes.)

The only thing to not change, is his incredibly old, why isn't she dead yet, Aunt. It has been fifty years since the release of Amazing Fantasy #15, and Spider-Man gets his 50th anniversary issue, a grand total of six dollars down the tube on this one, at least it's double sized, I think. I didn't bother counting the pages.

Pretty.

I'm going to take a brief moment and comment that this isn't going to be our usual Amazing Reads. Mostly because there is history going on here. History that is good. History that is bad. This is going to be a jumble mess of rants, ideas, and discussions. Hopefully. So let's start with the most basic of topics. The cover. Or covers

I want!

These variants exemplify the best, and worst, of Peter Parker's fifty years of swinging around. From the 1960s, with the original bite. The 70s, Death of Gwen Stacy. 80s and the symbiote. 90s...and the horrid clone saga! And the 00s with the Avengers, I guess. At least it wasn't Peter talking to the Devil. I'll take my wins where I can get them.

Also the main cover, which shows up the Spider costumes through the decades, even Ben Reilley's Scarlet Spider. I'm not much for variants, but even these covers make me want to buy them. Even if they are 6 bucks a pop, maybe more.

Moving on!

This anniversary issue has three stories. Our main, story which will play out over the next few months. Our second story, a short little vignette that takes place a long time ago. And the backup story, which is...interesting. I'm going to open up and say, the main story is shite. The vignette is touching, a little moving, and the art sucks. The backup is funny, interesting, and does a good job showing us why we like Spider-Man.

Let us dive right in with Alpha! Part 1: Point of Origin. The exclamation mark is mine, not the books. Moving on. We get an opening narration that tells us that our "hero" Toby Andy Maguire is a nobody, a no nothing, just trying to get by and refusing to stand out kid. His parents don't care that much about him. One day he ends up at Horizon Labs, where Peter is showing off something interesting, and this is all looking very familiar.

So retred of past story aside we get our magical science accident.

ACK! Wow, way to kill a kid

Psudeo-Science prevails and our "hero" gets powers. Turns out he's awesomely awesome with awesome powers. According to Reed, of the Fantastic Four, he can be an Alpha-Level threat, where The Hulk and Phoenix are Omega-Level threats.

Pause for a brief moment. Now, are we saying that an Alpha-Level threat is worse than Omega. Did we start the scale at the end of the Greek alphabet, in case someone worse than the Phoenix, or Galactus ever showed up. Because, let us assume that Omega-Level threat terminology existed before this issue. (I don't know, it may have, I doubt it some how though.) Several issues then occur to me with the Alpha-Level threat. 

One, is of course, Alpha-Level shouldn't be worse than Omega. Alpha implies beginning, it is the first. Omega implies end. It is the final letter in the Greek Alphabet. "I am the Omega." Means, "I am the end." It implies that you are the end of life, you are the destroyer of worlds. Omega-Level threat should apply to forces like Phoenix and Galactus, not some piss-ant who has Superman's powers.

Actually, there is no two. Alpha sounds LESS serious than Omega. Oh, Reed doesn't name drop Galactus, I just think it's more appropriate to have Phoenix and Galactus, then Phoenix and the Hulk.

Back on point. Reed tells Peter it's his responsibility, and basically tells him he screwed up because whatever he's been working on, Reed found it first. And then, Alpha (As they are calling him. ha. ha. ha.) will become the spokes hero for Horizon Labs!

I hate you already, kid.

So our asshole of a "hero" goes around being an asshole around school, and Spider-Man watches from a distance. Also, Aunt May and her husband, J.J.'s father come round. (Yeah, I know, weird.) Jay gives Peter a talking down to, because he's not always keeping in contact with Aunt May. And we get a heart to heart with M.J. about Alpha. She basically says Alpha is doing what Peter wishes he had done, which is why Pete is annoyed.

Bull. Shit.

Peter Parker as Spider-Man went right out for fame and money. That was his back-story. It got his uncle killed, essentially. Even after that, he used his powers to make money taking pictures of himself. We haven't reached it yet in our retrospective, but Pete knocks out Flash Thompson, and crashes a party, just to impress a girl, who is friends with Johnny Storm. Pete and Spider-Man were just like this kid, just they weren't public as he is. For bloody hell, this story is trying to do a "Peter" origin but if he was a spoiled bloody brat! if they want that, go read the original issues of bloody Amazing Spider-Man. It was done better then!

Alright, so Andy is snogging away with hot girl he has a thing for. She decides to show him a fan site she made for him. (I do wonder how one goes from making out to that, but whatever) Apparently the comments aren't kind, and he huffs and he puffs and he flies off to patrol. He wants to be a hero.

Why two panels you ask? Take a look at Panel #1 there. Then at Panel #2. Now tell me how Spider-Man did what he's doing in Panel #2.

So we get a heart to heart with Spider-Man and Alpha. They go off and fight crime for a splash page, and then Spider-Man has to go off with the FF, leaving Alpha boy behind. (God I hate this kid.) He decides he's gonna go anyway. So Spidey helps some with a fight going on with a troll thing that wants to mate, but is the last of his kind. Seriously? Is this what the FF do? Fight things like this?

Well, Super-Boy flies on in and gives it a good clocking, taking it out nice a bit. It seems everyone is pissed, the kid announces that Spider-Man is his sidekick, and claims to be the bestest most awesomest, hero ever. Shoot my now. This can't get any worse.

FUCK!

I hate you Marvel. So very very much.

Sigh...let us move on to our vignette feature.

This is a short story taking place after one of the times Peter tosses away his spider costume. I believe it's supposed to be during Amazing Spider-Man #50. I could be wrong. Well a robber finds it and think it's a good idea to dress as Spidey. He loses the bag of cash he had with him. And then tries to rob a pawn shop. He fails horribly. Then he gets home, and we find his granddaughter really loves Spider-Man. At this moment, he decides to see his granddaughter as Spidey, and tell her that her grandfather is doing everything he can to make her better. (She's really sick.) Then he puts the costume back where he found it, saying it's hard to be a hero.

It's a touching little tale that I wish was longer, to get a better arc out of this character. And the art is kind of bad. At one point I swear the little girl is supposed to have died.

Back-up! 

Sorry no pictures for this one either. I'll make this quick. This is a funny tale of Spider-Man and his many mix-ups. That's roughly half the issue, so he's having a bad day, when he sees a young boy being threatened by bullies. He comes in, and we get a fun little dialogue. Turns out the boy has been telling all sorts of tall tales round school. Spidey is his best friend, his parent's are Hulk and She-Hulk. (ew) And all sorts of things. Well Spidey gives him a pep talk, they swing round the city, meet awesome heroes like Cap and Ironman. Hot heroes like Spider-Woman and She-Hulk. 

Really, it's just a fun story, that seems to be lacking in recent Spidey stuff. And since we're getting the Jackal again in the main story, I'm glad we go out on something good, and light hearted. It's going to be a dark ride to Spidey #700. I just hope I have the courage to keep with it.

A rating for this issue? It's not worth the six bucks. That's all I got for ya. It isn't bad, it isn't great, it's got some good ideas, and some huge bad ones. If you're a fan of Spidey, and have the cash, go get it.